The day my husband and I found out I was pregnant was one of the happiest days of my life.
We had been trying to conceive for about 6 months and finally God blessed us with another baby. We had our wedding planned for Sept 4 but with us finding out the great news we moved the wedding up to July 17. With planning a wedding and a new baby life was hectic, but I was overjoyed by everything. Finally we were going to expand our family and give my son Damien his baby brother he wanted. But my dreams for Trenton would soon become broken dreams and empty promises.
Sept 11, 2010
I had been feeling really bad that day; I was cramping & bleeding a little bit. But it wasn’t anything that was to worry about at the time. So I went on about my daily routine but then when I got home I still felt pretty bad. So I told my husband maybe I’d better go on to the hospital. We got there and they got me into a room, and hooked up the monitors to my belly. And my worst fear was coming true; I kept thinking this cannot be happening to me, I’m not supposed to lose my baby. She couldn’t find the heartbeat on the monitor, so she got a second opinion which was my doctor. She then looked at me and put her head down and said I’m sorry but I cannot find it. I immediately wanted to scream and hide, why was this happening to me?? My husband came over and just hugged me. We didn’t know what to do next b/c we have never been thru this before. And I don’t think we were prepared for this at all.
Then as if that wasn’t enough to take in, I was told I would have to be induced and deliver my baby. Knowing what was about to happen had me scared to death, I didn’t want to go thru with the procedure b/c I wouldn’t be able to take him home with us, I stayed in denial the whole night. They hooked me up to the monitors and put me in a room far away from all the other women who were having their babies. Then they proceeded to give me medication to induce the labor, I felt so alone even though my husband was right beside me. I felt as if a part of me was being ripped thru my shirt and there wasn’t anything I could do or say to change the situation. They kept me pretty drugged up and came in periodically to talk to us about decisions we had to make. Being that I hadn’t had to do this before I had no idea what to expect. Luckily my 2 nurses I got that night were angels to me, they talked me thru everything that was going on.
Sept 12, 2010
I woke up that morning and was starting to feel crampy and the contractions were getting stronger, so they went ahead with the epidural. Then about 45 minutes later they checked me and she said I was about 6cm dilated so they could go ahead and have me push. Well this was the moment of truth, I had no idea what was ahead of me. So I gave a little push and I pushed him out along with the sack. He was 8.1 oz 9.5 inches; My heart broke into a million pieces as soon as I seen him. I couldn’t believe that was my baby boy, and that I wasn’t going to be taking him home. I wanted for someone to come smack me and tell me I was dreaming.
I think I passed out for a minute and then I heard the doctor asking if I wanted to hold him after she got him cleaned up. And at that point I honestly didn’t know what I wanted to do, all I knew was that I wasn’t going to be taking him home with me. I kept replaying everything in my head and none of it made sense. I still felt out of control and alone. So around 3pm she brought him in and my heart sank once again, he was beautiful. He was everything I thought he would be. He looked just like his big brother. My son Damien is 3 yrs old and would have been a big brother but God decided to call him home; he was too beautiful for earth. I later found out that it was a cord accident; it got wrapped around his neck 3 times. It put me at ease in one sense, but then the other I still couldn’t come to terms as to why it happened. I will never know. They say everything happens for a reason but sometimes we just will never know that reason. Even though Trenton is in heaven, he is still my baby. I love my kids with everything in me. Being a mother already has given me a new light on my son here with me. Trenton has made me want to be a better mom and all around better person. He and Damien are my reasons to breathe! I sometimes sit and cry myself to sleep, and sometimes I sit and laugh about what he would be doing.
There is not a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t think about Trenton. I have my good days and my bad days. Some days I just want to be alone and cry, some days I just want my son to just hug me tight. I’ve learned to take it day by day, and even breath by breath. It does get easier to talk about and deal with. The pain will never go away, it will always be there but I know in my heart that Trenton knows how much his brother and his daddy and I love him. What has helped me get by is my support group of friends and family, some I’ve met, some I didn’t even know. But it has brought us close b/c we have all experienced the same thing. I thank God for everyone who has been here to help me thru it. It’s still fresh to me, but I am here for you also! Just remember you are not alone in this! Trenton will forever be my little sunshine in the sky!!