I somehow knew I was pregnant the day after I conceived. Something felt faintly tingly inside my abdomen and “off” to me, and I remember commenting about it to a coworker at the restaurant where I worked. I tried to put it out of my mind and waited until the first possible cycle day where I could test for pregnancy. I bought a pregnancy test and, optimistically, a box of condoms. I took the test in the store bathroom and shook as I leaned against the stall wall reading the positive result. That evening, I drove to my boyfriend’s house to tell him our news. I was in tears and remember driving past a church with this phrase displayed on its sign: “Hangeth in there.”
Mother of Penelope Grace, Griffin James, and Rosalie May
Born November 17th, 2009
Naturally, we were nervous about raising three babies. However, we knew could do it. We made some sacrifices when we found out. We moved back to our hometown to be closer to family because we were living an hour away. We also found a new home for our dog, a great dane named Lucy. She was a great dog and we loved her, but we were anticipating THREE babies and we didn’t want her to be neglected.
At my 17 week ultrasound, my high risk doctor noticed that my cervix was getting dangerously small. After an emergency cerclage, I was put on home bed rest. At follow up appointments however, my cervix continued to shorten. We all remained optimistic. I told my family not to cancel the baby shower even though I couldn’t go because that would be like giving up, and we weren’t giving up. I stayed in the hospital for 5 days on bed rest when my cervix was only millimeters long. After 5 days of no contractions, I was sent home for bed rest with the hopes of coming back to the hospital when I hit 23 weeks. I didn’t make it that far.
After just hours of being home in bed, my water broke. I called my husband who was out filling a prescription for me, he rushed home and drove me to the hospital. We knew nothing could be done. The doctor told us over and over, if you go into labor before 23 weeks, we can’t do anything for the babies. We heard it, but we didn’t process it until we were in that moment. I was only 20 weeks and 5 days. We were losing our babies.
After hours of crying and thousands of questions, the inevitable was upon us.
They were perfect. They were our babies. They made our family of two into a family of five. Even now, almost exactly a year later, I am overwhelmed with love for them.
I still don’t know how I made it through that day and the days that followed. Brendan and I are so lucky to have an amazing support system of family, friends and co-workers. We know that our angel babies, Penny, Griff and Rosie are so loved.
We have cried a thousand tears, and I know we will cry some more. It constantly amazes me how these three precious babies have changed my husband’s life and my life. They have filled us with enough love to last a lifetime.
Encourage. Inspire. Connect.
Have a blog? Each month we’ll have a creative topic for you to write about on it. Once you’ve written your post (or found an older post that fits the topic), you’ll be able add your link below and read others who have submitted as well.
November’s topic: It’s easy to focus on all the negative things that come from losing a baby, but have you discovered any ‘blessings in disguise’ throughout your journey? What can you find to be thankful for related to your loss?
Don’t have a blog yet, but want to participate in the challenge? Click here for simple instructions on how to start a blog (it’s really easy!)
To submit your blog post, follow the instructions below.
1. Scroll down and click on the ‘click here to enter’ link at the bottom of this post.
2. Please make sure the post is about the topic for this month. It can be a blog post that you wrote a month ago or more recently.
3. Use YOUR blog post.
4. When linking up, only link to your November topic blog post, not your main blog URL. (incorrect links may be deleted.)
5. Visit other participants and leave comments. This is a great way to meet other babyloss mamas!
This Linky Tool will be kept open until December 20th. So please submit before that date!
Baby Bennett 2, October 2009, 5 weeks
Baby Bennett 3, May 2010, 8 weeks
Baby Bennett 4, October 2010, 5 weeks
Because my second appointment was scheduled for when I was 18 weeks, my doctor referred me to another office to have my first ultrasound. She said if we went right away we might be able to get an appointment for that day. We were so excited! This would be the first time we saw our baby, and I was bouncing up and down in anticipation. We got to the other office at about 11, and they told us we could come back at 12:45. We went out to lunch and then back to the office. Once we were in the room, I laid on the table and the tech put the cold goo on my belly. I was actually so excited, I really didn’t care. And then on the screen on the wall, we saw our son for the first time. She just moved the device back and forth a few times so we could see him, and asked if we wanted to know the sex. We both had decided before hand that we did, and she told us it was a boy. We had been thinking it was a girl (my mothering intuition was off), so looked at each other and he just held my hand and said, “I guess we need to think of other names!” After a few more minutes of awe-inspiring pictures, the tech told me she was having trouble seeing his head because it was so far down. She asked me to turn on my side and face her, but that didn’t make any difference. She then asked me to undress from the waist down so she could try an internal sonogram. I did as I was asked and a few minutes later she came back in and tried again. She still was having trouble. Then she got up, grabbed all of the pictures, told us she’d be right back and left the room. Jon and I began talking about name possibilities for our future son. When the woman came back she told us our baby’s head didn’t look right, and that the radiologist was looking at the pictures and trying to get a hold of my OB. She told us not to worry and then left the room again. I immediately started crying. What was wrong with my baby? His heart rate was perfect and all of his measurements were right where they should be. Jon got up and hugged me and told me not to worry until they figured out what was wrong. I couldn’t help but worry, I was so scared. I had no idea the worst had yet to come.