A mother to five beautiful boys.
I struggle, because he isn’t with me.
I struggle, because I feel like I have lost a lifetime with him. I did.
I struggle, because I feel consumed by guilt.
My body failed me.
My body failed him.
The following, is from a post that I had written shortly after losing Isaiah:
“August 3, 2008 was the start of a new journey in my life. From seven weeks to nineteen and a half weeks of pregnancy, I had a huge blood clot that was forming in my uterus. It was over three fourths of my placenta. I knew that there was a possibility that I would lose my child, but I guess I still looked at myself in the world’s view…. “it won’t happen to me.” You may know what I’m talking about. It did happen to me. On the 2nd. of August, I was rushed to the hospital at 11:00pm. The blood clot had pulled away from the placenta, causing a partial placental abruption, which started a bleed that ended up becoming lethal. Not causing death to my son….. but a fast approaching death upon me.The next day, the 3rd. of August, I will NEVER forget. My doctor came into my room and sat at the end of my bed. She said that I had a condition called D.I.C. She said that we needed to deliver the placenta or I would be dead within the next twenty four hours. After the delivery, I still only had a 30% chance at survival. Wow! How will I be able to live after losing my precious son? My son was healthy and alive. Why would God have me go through this? I couldn’t answer that question yet. I had to start the dreaded death sentence. I had three little boys to go home to. At this point…. I had lost a piece of my heart. All the hopes and dreams that I had for this little one….. buried.I held my little boy as the beats of his heart slowed down to his last. I kept telling him how much I loved him as I held his hand in mine. God gave me fifteen minutes. I am thankful for that little time that I was blessed with. My little Isaiah got to begin life within me and end it within my arms.Why did God allow this? The answer to that question will have to wait until I get to heaven.”
My blog is my safe place. I go there to write my thoughts. My fears. My regrets. I can be a little too honest at times too. I would rather be “real,” than show you the fake Jenny. I have been able to sit in front of my computer screen, cry my eyes out, publish my post and then go on with my day.
I have two desires for my blog.
First… Sharing my son, Isaiah.
Second… Possibly helping someone that is hurting. Being able to write something in truth. Being blunt. Letting others know how “we” feel. The bereaved. The parents with aching, empty arms.
It’s been said, that there is no greater loss, than the loss of your child. I couldn’t agree more.
Through all of this pain, loss, and my questions of, “why?”, I will still praise my God. Our God. HE reigns!
The Lord shall reign for ever and ever.