We had just found out the sex of our 2nd child when we had our 17 week ultrasound. A little girl. Then, I began to have some bleeding a few weeks later and at the ultrasound when Zoe was 20 weeks, her heart had already stopped beating. We chose to be induced and had to wait several days for the hospital to do the induction. I carried her for 1 week and then was induced & delivered her body.
We found out through blood tests after her death that I have 2 different physical problems that affect blood clotting [MTHFR gene mutation & Factor V Leiden]. Throughout Isaiah’s pregnancy I was taking daily Lovenox shots. All of this made us realize even more of what a miracle our first pregnancy and delivery really was…
To explain the deep depression I was in for about 2 years after Zoe’s death is difficult. This type of grief is so isolating and suffocating. I did not experience much support or understanding, much less validation. Another loss for me was that my best friend of many years and I did not survive this difficult time in my life [long & complicated story w/ mistakes on both sides; I tried reconciling but it has not worked out]. Thank God I did have my husband right there with me every step of the way.
Zoe’s name in Greek means “life, as in abundant life”. She is experiencing now life in its absolute fullness with a restored body and perfect communion with her maker and the truest lover of her soul. We found out about her death in utero & immediate entrance into the arms of Jesus on the first day of spring [Wednesday March 21st]. God always orchestrates thatspring does follow winter………….this is beyond a winter experience for us but we are already seeing evidences of God’s beautiful spring pushing through the bitter cold and blooming. God’s presence with us is thick and a comfort that is beyond any comfort ever experienced before.
God takes pain which He allows and carves out in us even bigger places in comparison of love & communion with Him. God is determined not to waste a drop of pain and actually will bring us to places of more blessings in response to pain because He is determined to bring glory from the ashes of pain if only we will let Him pour Him self out onto us and in us in our places of pain.
The place already carved out in me to love Zoe from is fighting feeling despair and a lack of an outlet, so to speak. I pray God will lead me and us to a place of ministry where we can freely give out of those carved out places of deep love for her on a regular basis every day of our lives here on this earth. God has places of love carved out in His heart for each of His created children and so this actually will help us understand and relate to His experience better.
I had always heard about experiencing the glory of God in the midst of suffering–now i know it firsthand in a very fresh way.
Our 4th child……It all started Sunday March 21, 2010 (the anniversary of Zoe’s death 3 yrs ago) with spotting….then several ultrasounds and doc visits…low progesterone….more significant bleeding etc…. March 24, 2010 led us into yet another layer of grief and loss as we went for an ultrasound for our 4 child (a BIG surprise pregnancy!) and the heartbeat was only 35 bpm….Because of going to a perinatologist I had already heard her heartbeat strong 3 times since the 5th week of pregnancy–the bonding had begun strong and hard very quickly. We were 8wks along when we found out she was probably not going to make it. They sent us home and scheduled us to come back in the next day for a repeat ultrasound. March 25, 2010 there was was sadly no heartbeat as the docs predicted. Of course we had prayed that whole night before that God would miraculously heal our baby and begged that we not go through losing another one. March 26, 2010 I was admitted to the hospital for a D & C. We were on the line as far as what they recommended for the baby at that point–the choice was to allow the miscarriage to continue on “naturally” or to have a D & C to “clear out the uterus”. To finish out miscarriage at home would have most likely have taken up to 2 1/2 wks with an episode of seriously heavy bleeding lasting 4-5 hrs. It was an agonizing decision but we chose the D & C. All I can say is that it was absolutely horrible and I felt incredibly empty after it was over and I woke up in the recovery room. I wish I could have seen something tangible (as weird as that may sound), it was just awful. This grief was easier to bear in some ways and is harder to bear in others. We had no memorial service and now I wish we would have had something small with just a few close friends and family. I thought people were so silent about Zoe, but I was shocked to find out they were even more silent about Addie. We opted for some testing and found out she was a girl and she had a genetic disorder called Turner’s Syndrome, and most babies with this disorder do not survive. We named her Addie Kate–(Addie is Hebrew for “Created by God” & Kate is Greek for pure)
Addie, You were our surprise, our unexpected little arrival. Mommy heard your heart beating 3 times and then something else unexpected….your heart was slowing down and the doctors said you weren’t going to make it. I prayed for a miracle, but all along YOU were the miracle that mattered most. We will be reunited one day and I long for that day. Love you forever my 3rd sweet girl, precious Addie Kate. I carry you with me always. We also got a snow fountain weeping cherry tree in your memory–it had such sweet little white blossoms opening up so quickly. It is planted just near your sister Zoe’s Japenese Weeping Cherry that has beautiful little pink blooms every Spring. Love & Hugs, Mommy
Mother of Abigail, Zoe, Isaiah, & Addie