14 days before dad was supposed to come home, our little angel died. That morning we had bathed together and since she had become my little parrot, when I said ” I love you” she said it back. I will always have that moment with her, and I try to concentrate on those moments rather than afterwards but the guilt and the what ifs are sometimes so hard to get over that sometimes those memories overwhelm me and it is hard. It is so undeniably hard to lose a toddler. She was diagnosed with SUDC, sudden unexplained death in childhood. Toddler SIDS most people call it because nobody has ever heard of SUDC. Its a diagnosis of exclusion, meaning they could find no reason whatsoever for your child to die. It is so hard, because there is nothing you can do to prevent SUDC. We don’t get the, put your children on their back, don’t cosleep, have a fan in the room, etc. Toddlers are adept at moving, they can rip blankets off, they can move if they are uncomfortable. There is no reason at all they should die. I did everything so right, she was still rearfacing, I was still breastfeeding and sometimes it seems like what is the point. My heart hurts every single day, the pain doesn’t lessen. Megan also now has a sibling that joined her, as I miscarried 9-14-10. My rainbow baby was a blessing in disguise, a way to help lessen the grief of Megan’s passing. When I was 11 weeks, the doctor was unable to hear the heartbeat. With my lack of symptoms I started bawling because I just knew that this baby was gone. A ultrasound let us know that this baby did indeed die, around 8 weeks and is now in heaven with big Sister Megan. Losing this baby was nothing like losing Megan but after seeing its little beating heart at 6 weeks, my heart still aches for the loss. The loss of what might have been, the loss of hope. Thats my story, thats a glimpse of my pain.