Vanessa
Mom to Baby Maes #1 – missed miscarriage July 16, 2009 at 15 weeks
Baby girl Maes- missed miscarriage March 11, 2010 at 10 weeks
and Baby Maes #2- Chemical pregnancy August 16,2010 at 4 weeks
Stockton, CA

In spring of 2009 after 7 months of TTC my husband and I were finally blessed with a baby. We were elated to be expecting our first baby. We knew pregnancy would be complicated due to my preexisting diabetes. My OB was on top of it and worked hard getting my insurance to approve a state funded program for pregnant diabetics to control my blood sugars as well as diet.

The pregnancy progressed fine. At 6 weeks we saw our baby heartbeat flickering away. At 9 weeks we saw our baby bouncing all over as we had an ultrasound. The baby was measuring a little small, but my OB said there were no worries. I got into the Sweet Success program and was immediately started on insulin injections and met with the nutritionist to set up my diet plan. In the meantime I was awaiting approval from my insurance to see the perinatologist. I started my insulin and over the next couple of weeks my sugars were under control.

On July 14, 2009 at 15 weeks I went to the perinatologist and have a level 2 ultrasound. I was excited that maybe we would see the sex of the baby. My husband couldn’t get off of work but he told me to find out the sex if they were able and bring home pictures for him. As they put the probe on my belly I knew instantly something wasn’t right.

The baby was small, not much bigger than my last ultrasound. The baby wasn’t moving, just limp. I saw no flicker of the heartbeat, I couldn’t hear that wonderful “swish, swish” of the heartbeat we had heard before. The ultrasound tech said, “I’m sorry, your baby has no heartbeat” and she left me alone to go and get the doctor. I lost it…..I broke down, I was hysterical, I couldn’t breathe, I was crying so hard I couldn’t see. I was all alone. The doctor came in and told me my baby was dead, it was only measuring 13 weeks and I was supposed to be 15 weeks and there was no heartbeat and no movement. They called my OB and made me an appointment for the next morning to discuss our options. I had to call my husband and through my tears tell him the most devastating news of our lives. Our precious baby was dead.

My OB gave me the choice between induction and deliver or a D&C. I felt delivering my baby would be too emotionally painful, so I opted for the D&C. It was scheduled for the next day. It was the hardest thing to go on feeling pregnant but knowing my baby was dead inside of me.

On July 16, 2009 I had a D&C under general anesthesia. I chose to not find out the sex of my baby, I guess at the time I felt it would be easier to forget if I didn’t know if it was a boy or girl and it didn’t have a name. I now regret this, I also regret not delivering my baby so I would’ve had the chance to hold him or her and have pictures and hand prints and footprints to remember my baby. I didn’t have any testing done as it was my first miscarriage, my OB said that my uncontrolled blood sugars likely caused some developmental abnormalities that were not compatible with life. I still feel so much guilt because of this.

After my my loss I was diagnosed with PCOS, I was put on Clomid and I found out in January 2010, after 7 months TTC after our loss and 2 days after our angel baby’s due date, that I was pregnant again. I was absolutely scared to death that my baby was going to die again. I decided to enjoy every day of pregnancy no matter how long I had. My blood sugars were well controlled because I stayed on insulin injections while TTC.

I had an ultrasound at 5 weeks, no heartbeat, but that was expected. At 8 weeks we saw that wonderful flicker. But I knew we weren’t out of the woods yet. On March 10th, 2010 at our10 week ultrasound I woke up feeling like something was wrong. I had no reason to feel that way. I just knew something was wrong. All my friends at work were like “are you excited??” I wasn’t excited. I was full of anxiety and fear that my baby was going to be dead. I went to my appointment and the doctor did the ultrasound. Immediately I knew the baby was dead. It was like deja vu. My OB didn’t see a heartbeat, she had another doctor in the office perform a second ultrasound and I had to hear for the second time “I’m sorry, your baby is dead” The baby was only measuring 8 weeks and 2 days. Only 1 day larger than our last ultrasound at 8 weeks 1 day.

Once again my baby died and my stupid body didn’t even know. I was scheduled for a D&C the following day. I thought it wouldn’t be as hard because I had gone through this before. But it hurt just as bad, if not worse. I wasn’t done grieving my first baby, and now I felt like I was grieving two babies. On March 11, 2010 I had another baby ripped from my uterus. I went into a depression, I didn’t want to go to work, I didn’t want to talk to friends. I didn’t want to explain how I had been pregnant twice but had no babies.

My OB did some testing on me and the placenta and it was determined that our baby was a girl….she had Turner’s syndrome 45X which is a genetic disorder that happens in 1 in 2500 pregnancies. It only happens in females and it is a “freak” mutation like Down’s Syndrome. It is not genetic. She said my miscarriages were not related. I was relieved in a way, but I was also hoping for something that linked them together. A diagnosis that could be treated so I knew it wouldn’t happen again.

I started TTC with clomid again in May 2010. In August 2010 with the help of Clomid and an HCG trigger shot I conceived again. I had 4 positive pregnancy tests, 2 lined tests and 2 digitals. I had been diagnosed with low progesterone levels a few cycles prior, this was a new development since my second miscarriage. I was on progesterone supplements that cycle but my levels were still low, so when I discovered I was pregnant I was concerned. My OB got me in for lab work the same day to check my progesterone levels. The next morning I took another pregnancy test and it was negative, I dipped 3 different brands of tests in that urine cup and they were all negative. I went to the urgent care and was sent for blood work. My HCG and progesterone levels were low.

The next day the results came back from the levels my OB had drawn. That level was also low but higher than the results at the urgent care. The HCG was dropping and I knew what was coming. 2 days later on August 16, 2010 I started bleeding and miscarried our 3rd baby. I TTC with Clomid and HCG trigger shot the cycle following without getting pregnant. I am on a break right now as ordered by my RE before starting injectible and IUI next cycle. Its been 23 months since I started TTC.

I have lost 3 babies, I don’t have much hope that I will ever have a live baby. My RE has ran more tests on me just to make sure there was nothing that could have linked my first 2 miscarriages together. We know my chemical pregnancy was caused by low progesterone levels which can easily be corrected with supplements.

Losing my babies was the most devastating thing of my life. It still affects me on a daily basis. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my babies. Certain things trigger the emotions to come back. I don’t cry for them as often now, but I do sometimes. I always think about them, and I always remember them. I have a tattoo to remember my first 2 babies, so they will always be a part of me, and people will see it and ask me what it means and I can tell them the story of my babies. I want people to always remember them, to validate that I am a mommy, a mommy to 3 beautiful angels, that were taken from me too soon.

Vanessa can be contacted at maes678@comcast.net
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Comments

  1. Laura *MrsShrek1028* says:

    just wanted to send you ((HUGS)) and tell you i am so sorry for your losses. You live in the town right by mine!

  2. Jenn says:

    I'm so sorry for your losses! I had a missed miscarriage found at 10 weeks too. No mommy should have to suffer what you've suffered. (Hugs)

  3. drema pearson says:

    i wanted to say how sorry i am for your losses and i hope that with a little time to grieve for you babies that you will soon be able to have that beautiful child you want so much..i had a stillbirth at 38 weeks & never could have anymore it has been very hard on me.i hope that one day you can add an update here telling us of bring your bunble of joy home like it is meant to be..((hugs)) to you.if u ever need someone to talk to please email me philphan@bellsouth.net or fb under drema pearson.take care

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