Kelly
Mom to Hunter Danielle Baine
Stillborn on March 18th, 1997

Saturday, March 15, 1997, an amazing baby showered hosted by my Mom and Sister. I was 9 months pregnant. Only a week to go. I was starting to get nervous. Since I was the first of my friends to get pregnant, they weren’t offering any advice…. However I’d done the Lamaze classes and read every book out there. I was ready.

That night I ate something that didn’t agree with me. I remember getting sick and didn’t sleep well. I called out of work for Sunday and slept all day. Monday, St. Patty’s day I watched the Parade on TV and relaxed all day. I went to bed early and woke up at 11 pm and knew it was time to go to the hospital. the pain was pretty intense….. I called my brother, he was there in 2 mins.

“There is no heartbeat” is what the Dr. said. Although i couldn’t hear him…… or maybe I just refused to. How could there be no heartbeat. I went to what seemed to be a million doctor appointments from the time I found out I was pregnant and the heartbeat was always strong. and if he was saying it, what did that mean? Did it mean the ultrasound machine was broken or the staff was inexperienced? Then I looked up at my brother and tears were rolling down his face. Why was he crying? “Kel, the baby has died inside you.” The hours that would follow would be a complete blur.

The doctor said I would have to deliver the baby naturally and they would induce the labor. I was exhausted from crying and couldn’t understand why all of this was happening. I didn’t want to hear what any Dr. had to say. They gave me double doses of statal every two hours to try to keep me comfortable in between the contractions. My Mom and Sister and two close friends come in and then my Pastor came to see me. He tried to comfort me but I was numb…. After 7 hours of contractions my brother asked for an epipidual. Once that was all in place it wasnt long before she was born. 7lbs. 2 ozs.

19 inches long, 10 fingers, 10 toes and a head full of black hair. They took her, bathed her, dressed her and brought her back to me. My Pastor came back, baptized her and I held her was hours. She was AMAZING…. I remember her finger nails looking like she’d just came from getting a manicure. they were perfect. Nobody could say anything to make this easier. Saying goodbye and handing her to the nurse was the hardest moment of my life.

One week later in a church all of my family and friends had to say goodbye before they got to say hello to my beautiful little girl. I spent months not sleeping, not eating and wondering what I did wrong. Could I have prevented this.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I do not think about her. Each year on her birthday my two children and I release balloons into the sky for her and bake a cake. They know their sister is in heaven and watches over them. She is forever in our hearts.

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Comments

  1. Kelly,
    I just wanted to thank you for sharing Danielle’s story and let you know I am so sorry for your unbelievable loss. I am here for you if you ever want to talk. I have also experienced loss. My husband and I had a miscarriage (at 8 weeks) in March of 2008 and were diagnosed with a blighted ovum (which required a D&C in December of 2008). And most recently, on March 4, 2010, our daughter, Ella Grace, was born still. We have experienced the heartbreak and questions associated with losing children and yet I have not walked in your shoes. I can’t tell you that I know exactly how you feel (no one does), but I am willing to walk beside you, as you go on your own journey of grief. Again, I am so sorry for your loss, but thank you so much for sharing your story. My e-mail address is britt_dickey@peacebegan.com and my blog address is http://www.peacebegan.com. Please feel free to reach out!

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