I started having cramps and bleeding around 9am on the following Tuesday, June 29th. I called my midwife, who told me to stay on bedrest that day and she would see me the next morning. However, as the day progressed, the pain and bleeding worsened. I called my midwife again at 3:30pm and told her that pain was too intense; she told me to go the ER. My husband’s mom had to come over and drive me, and Daniel, my husband, met us there since he had to leave work. The nurse checked my bleeding then checked my baby’s heartbeat. His heartbeat was still strong. She put me on a machine to check for contractions, and I was having a lot of contractions. She checked my cervix, but it wasn’t there. I was in labor all day and didn’t know it. My midwife arrived and double-checked the cervix. With a grave look, she explained that there was nothing they could do to stop the baby from coming this early and he was too little to make it. I already knew that, though.
It was a total nightmare. I asked Daniel to sleep in the hospital bed with me that night, and he did. I didn’t sleep well because they kept giving me medicine every hour or so. My fever was virtually non-existent now. I was so happy to be released the next day. I thought I was handling it okay. I had balled my eyes out when the baby was born, but after that, I seemed okay. That night, Daniel prayed before we went to bed, and I just broke down. I felt so bitter, but I couldn’t tell him that.
Monday, I broke down in front of him. We were talking about the funeral, and I just lost it. I don’t know why. The day we buried him, I was actually okay getting ready. We picked up some flowers to put on his grave. I had written a letter to him and scrounged up a necklace that I would put with him in the casket. When I put the items in his casket, I looked at him and started crying once again. I sat down on the couch and recollected myself while apologizing to Daniel. He just held me. The casket was white and tiny, but it was still too big for Matthew. It was pretty, though. I cried on the way out, but when we got in the car, I pulled it together. When we went to the burial site, we put the flowers on his grave. It had a temporary marker with “Infant Daniel Phillips.” We’re going to save up for a real one. I didn’t cry that time…I think I felt a little bit of closure.
I know he is with God in a better place, but I selfishly still want him here with me. I miss his little kicks and seeing him on the ultrasound screen. I wanted to raise him and had so many plans for him. I know that time is the only thing that can ease this feeling, but I can’t wait until the day that I can hold my son again.
