Priscilla and James
Parents to our three angels
Jacob Tyler, September 4th, 2003 (stillborn at 21.5 weeks)
Jordan Skye, April 21st, 2006 (miscarriage at 7 weeks)
Olivia Hayden, December 14th, 2009 (stillborn at 36.5 weeks)
The experience of Jacob:
It’s amazing what shock can do to a man. The confusion it nails into your mind. Driving my wife to the hospital seemed like such a long trek. The heartbreak I felt could not be compared to anything I have experienced before. All the hopes my wife and I had were being flattened by the wheels of our car as we drove that warm and haunting morning.
She called my name out from the bathroom. I woke up in a daze. She fearfully told me that her water broke. I frantically searched our apartment for an emergency number to call. I was in a stupor. I could not believe the horror that was about to unfold. We quickly fled out of town to the nearest hospital. The next day my unit was preparing to deploy to Bosnia. The moment was too surreal to explain.
When we arrived to the hospital, the nurses laid her down on a bed to examine her. The diagnosis was not hopeful. After my wife was moved into a room, I left to quickly eat some breakfast. I knew my day would be long and I needed some sustenance. My stomach was full of grief. I could barely eat anything. I so desperately wanted to be with my wife. I stashed my dishes away and made my way back to her room. When I was in the room, I locked myself away in the bathroom. My pain began to flood my chest, which poured through my mouth and eyes. I wept. My several years of walking with God led me to believe He had a divine reason for all this horror. But I could not imagine what it was for.
Several days crept by. I still held out hope for God to bestow a miracle on us. So many people destroy their babies in the first few months of pregnancy, but yet we could not wait to hold ours and he was tragically taken from us. Every year babies are dumped into the trash, some given away, and others are born to a substance addicted mother who recklessly became pregnant through irresponsible sexual behavior. But we had to let go of our son. My wife and I were so proud of him. He hung on for two days before his fragile little body gave out, too exhausted to keep fighting. He was so strong. I know he would have been a wonderful son. All he did was move and kick inside his little home. He would have been mischievous and active. We will never get to see our dog steal his toys. I will never sit down with him and teach him the love of God. My wife will never hold our son when he gets scared from the thunderstorms. My wife and I will never find our son sneaking our dog into bed with him to protect him throughout the night. We will never gaze into his eyes as he tells us he has found the woman he wants to marry with the same excitement we had when we discovered we were having him. And we will never get to watch his amazement when he is expecting his first child.
We named him Jacob Tyler Moore. It has a ring to it. It sounds strong. It has personality. Yet it is tender as well. Qualities we found he possessed as we were in the midst of losing him. We will never forget him. And it is only by grace that my wife and I can move on, but never get over his death.
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Fast forward to February 2006, we decided it was the right time to try again for a second child. Just like with our son, Jacob, it didn’t take long. We found out in April 2006 that we were pregnant. To say the least, we were incredibly excited. We thought that after losing Jake, this would be IT! Unfortunately, a week after we found out (on April 21, 2006), I woke up to spotting, which later led to cramping. We went straight to the ER and they determined that I was in the process of a possible miscarriage. They sent me home, as there was nothing they could do and told me to just wait it out. About an hour later, the cramping became severe and I knew nothing good was going to come of this. Right then and there, I was miscarrying our second child. The tears and pain took over both of us as we drove back to the ER. How could we be losing our second baby so soon? I was only 7 weeks pregnant. After getting to the ER, they performed an examine to make sure that my body did its job, and passed everything as it should to ensure there was no need for a D&C. Luckily, all was well, so I was saved the extra pain of having to endure that.
About a week after our loss, my husband was due to deploy to Iraq, so we knew that before he left, we should figure out a name for our second baby. With the loss of a child, their name is something that you can always hold on to. We decided to name our second child, Jordan Skye. We were unable to find out the sex of that child, but deep down we felt that Jake got a brother up in Heaven.
Fast forwarding again to the beginning of 2008, we felt that the circumstances were so that we should try again for our third child. Much to our surprise, it took much longer this time around to get pregnant than it did with Jacob and Jordan. After a year of trying, we got a referral to see an infertility specialist. In January 2009, we got tested and monitored, only to find out what we both figured – we were both completely healthy and there was no reason for the delay in getting pregnant. I wasn’t satisfied with that answer, so I got a referral to another infertility doctor in March 2009. This guy didn’t satisfy me either, as he said we didn’t wait long enough and that we should just give it time. He wasn’t going to bother doing any more testing or starting the process of assistance via medication until we tried for a few more months. Well, much to our surprise, we got a BFP the following month. By this point, we had nearly given up hope and started researching the steps towards adoption, so to see that BFP, we were elated! We prayed and prayed and prayed that nothing bad would happen this time around. Everyone around us did too! Those that knew our history continually got excited as each week passed. The morning sickness was bad, but not nearly as bad as it was with Jacob. I welcomed it though, because to me it meant a healthy baby. I didn’t have any morning sickness with Jordan, so I was comforted by that nauseous feeling.
By 12 weeks, the morning sickness was gone, and my husband was once again deployed to Afghanistan. I took lots of pictures and began a blog as a way of updating him with how the pregnancy was going. We were beyond ecstatic about this baby, and couldn’t wait for January to come. He purprosely requested R&R around the due date, and we started our countdown.
Overall, the pregnancy was fairly easy. I only had a few scares that made me rush in to get checked, but each time I went, it was mainly for reassurance that everything was ok. Nothing serious every showed, and the baby looked healthy. By 18 weeks, we found out that we were having a GIRL! I was speechless – literally. I had it so engrained in my head that we were going to have a boy that it took some getting used to with the idea of pink. It didn’t take long, though, before I was completely excited about having a sweet little girl. We knew right away that we were going to name her, Olivia Hayden, and couldn’t wait to meet her!
It wasn’t until right after I hit 36 weeks that the sadness took over. Olivia’s story can be read on my blog. In short, I noticed a lack of movement, so I went in for a Non-stress Test. Unfortunately, the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat, so we were left with the decision as to when we should induce labor. I decided to wait for my husband to get home from Afghanistan, so five days later, we induced labor and welcomed our beautiful baby girl to the world in silence. Along with delivering our son, Jacob, stillborn, this has got to be the hardest thing we have ever had to endure.
It has been nearly 8 months now since we said goodbye to our baby girl, but the pain is as fresh as it was the day we lost her. We miss and love our 3 babies so very much, and hope that one day they will get a healthy baby brother or sister…