My angels: May 16th, 2007, February 2010, July 2nd, 2010
I miscarried last night just a few hours shy of being 7 weeks pregnant. I feel like an empty shell of a person waking up this morning. I don’t know what to do with myself, so here I am writing because maybe this will help me.
Yesterday (Friday), I had the day off from work and had great plans to go get my nails done and go to the mall. However, I got up and was only able to get my shower and then lay back down. I was still spotting heavily and then later had mild cramping all day. And, I felt sick all day too with nausea. Lately, with these symptoms, I just don’t feel I can even leave the house…I’ve been afraid to, afraid of what might happen and I wouldn’t be home or just too sick. I’m a prisoner of my house and have been pretty sick of these same four walls. So, begrudgingly, I spent my day off reading in the guest room.
When Erick got home, we went to dinner, even though my cramps were worse, because I was determined to get out of the house. By the time we left the restaurant, I was feeling worse. I don’t think eating helped, it just made my stomach hurt. So, now my stomach hurt and the cramps were extremely bad.
Then, it happened. Even though, in my heart I was so worried about this and thought it would happen, I was not prepared for it. And, it does not get easier at all, in fact much worse. I had the most incredible sense of deja-vu, so much so that it’s like I thought it was winter.
I just can’t believe this happened yesterday, only one day after hearing the baby’s heart beat for the first time. How could everything have gone so suddenly and violently wrong? All I could think about was, “Did our little firefly’s heart stop beating or did this happen while it was still beating?”
The last time I miscarried, 5 months ago, it was a blighted ovum, which means that the embryo implants and forms the placenta, but the baby never develops. We were devastated. And, now, seeing that life inside me, that little flicker of a heartbeat, makes it all the more heartbreaking. The loss is even more tangible.
This whole cycle has truly been hell for me, physically and mostly emotionally. The ups and downs have been severe. The constant worrying over the spotting and bleeding have been torture for me, with opinions all over the place from the various doctors, mostly concern. So, if it was going to happen, I’m just glad it went on and happened, so I can try to grieve and move on. They say that when you miscarry early on, then something was genetically wrong with the baby from conception and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Knowing that this time has brought some comfort to me — not blaming myself, knowing that if it happens it’s because something is genetically wrong and my body has somehow figured it out. Again, if it’s destined to happen, better sooner than later.
While knowing all of that, I also want to know WHY this keeps happening. I think I’ve had every possible test. Erick and I had the genetic testing done a few months ago and everything turned out fine. So, why does this keep happening? If we have nothing genetically wrong, why do our embryos? I can’t imagine willingly putting myself through this again.
So, now we try to pick up the pieces of our life that we dropped when we started this cycle and move on. Goodbye, little heartbeat.