Augie
Mom to Dominic McDylan, Feb 2, 2007 (EDD: Oct 10, 2007)
Gwendolyn Elizabeth, Jan 30, 2008 (EDD: July 8, 2008)
Aiden Alexander, Nov 10, 2008 (EDD: July 20, 2009)
Jillian Evelyn, Jan 19, 2010 (EDD: Sept 28, 2010)
Winchester, VA

Our journey started unexpectedly in January 2007 when we conceived our first son. We hadn’t been trying and in fact had just started birth control. We lost our little boy before we even knew of his existence. For the longest time, I didn’t even tell Chris (or anyone else for that matter). I just dealt with it on my own and reminded myself that we were no where near ready to have a child together.

After some long discussions we decided that we were going to start trying to conceive in October 2007. Amazingly, we got pregnant that very cycle. We were elated. We (like so many others) assumed that we had used all our bad luck and that of course we were going to have a healthy pregnancy. We didn’t tell anyone right away, choosing to sit on the news for a little while. We enjoyed every minute of the pregnancy. Around 9 weeks I even started to show. On January 30th I began cramping and passing clots. I immediately knew what was happening. We were devastated. I made it all the way to 11 weeks.

After losing our second pregnancy, I couldn’t let Chris so much as touch me. Even a simple hug would send me bawling. Just a couple of months after the loss, I found justmommies.com The ladies there are amazing. They encouraged me to name the babies we had lost and give it time. We named our first angel Dominic McDylan. Our second angel was given the name Gwendolyn Elizabeth.

Not long after joining JM we started officially trying to conceive again. To our surprise we didn’t conceive right away this time. (I had assumed we would because of the first two pregnancies). But we still didn’t have to wait long. In October 2008 we conceived again. This time we were scared, but still hopeful. After all, I blamed Dominic’s loss on the birth control pills and figured Gwen’s to be a fluke. Sadly, through, at a mere 5 weeks 4 days, I began the now-all-too-familiar process of miscarrying yet again.

With the loss of my third baby came anger. Chris wouldn’t admit that I was ever pregnant. I think it was his way of coping. I named our third little one Aiden Alexander. I lost all confidence that I would ever carry full term. I am no longer sure about the causes of my first two babies.

By this time we were nearing our wedding date, September 27, 2009. We decided (for insurance purposes) to put trying to conceive on hold until after the wedding. After the wedding, I started fertility testing. After many vials of blood and other tests it was determined I had a clotting disorder known as MTHFR. In January 2010, I was delighted to get a positive pregnancy test. Sadly, that very afternoon I started spotting. A few days later, it was confirmed with a super low progesterone level at the OB. Her name is Jillian Evelyn. Jillian would have been due one day after our one year wedding anniversary.

The doctor decided to put me on Clomid. Three cycles later we still hadn’t conceived and the OB decided I was beyond his help. He transferred me to the local RE. In waiting for an appointment with the RE, my husband had a semen analysis done. It came back showing morphology was a little low but the doctors weren’t at all concerned. (Counts were great.) The RE ordered more tests and more blood work for both of us. (All of which came back normal.)

We went for our follow-up visit last month (June). Dr. I told us that he believes the cause of our losses is genetic (but something that didn’t show up on the karyotyping). He also thinks I have an ovulatory issue. (He has a very thick accent so I didn’t catch what he was saying but I don’t typically ovulate before cycle day 21–a full week later than most women.) He wants to put me on injectibles to help induce ovulation but is making us wait until October when we reach a year for this round.

Here we are more than three years later and all we have to show is a pair of broken hearts and hope that maybe come October we’ll get our rainbow baby.

Augie blogs at http://augiesjourney.blogspot.com
You can contact her at amps.84.angel@gmail.com
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Comments

  1. AFM says:

    I am so sorry for your losses. I have just suffered my 3rd loss and am experiencing the anger you describe here. Praying for you. take care.

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