Mom to Richard Allen
May 16, 2016 – May 17, 2016
Mom to Ollie
July 25, 2015
Grantham, New Hampshire
We are a baby loss family. Our son was born, he was beautiful, and we left the hospital alone and with the most empty feeling imaginable. Our world was turned upside down, and we were left to continue moving forward, and define our new normal. Our family will forever be incomplete. Ollie’s physical presence will always be missing, but he will always remain our very much loved, oldest child. We’ll miss him on holidays, during family events, in family pictures, on Mother’s Day, on Father’s Day, and especially on July 25. We’ll always miss him as our baby, and we’ll also miss him as the age that he would have been. We’ll wonder what his personality would have been like, what his interests would have been, and what he would have looked like as he grew up. [Read more…]
Mom to Amari
February 14, 2016
2015 was an amazing year. I was just into my 2nd month of a new IT consulting career, something I had been thinking about for years and my husband (fiancé at the time), was deep into his new job that ended our long distance relationship AND it was a coaching job at our alma mater (we both met there and we also did track and field so it was an extra special job). And the best part of it all, we were to be married that summer! July 10th, 2015 was a beautiful sunny summer day and we exchanged vows in front of our nearest and dearest. Then it was off to party party party on our Cancun honeymoon before the best was to begin! [Read more…]
Mom to Odin Jimi
Born March 15, 2016 and Died March 18, 2016
Hi there men and women of the world. Thank you for reading, on the subject of the loss of a baby. I’m not going to lie, losing a loved one in any way, shape or form is horrible. It’s actually pretty shit… that is the best way to sum up the loss of a loved one in a few simple words. It’s completely shit. But to lose a tiny human that you’ve prayed, cried and taken many, many, many pregnancy tests for is beyond a feeling or emotion that I can describe. [Read more…]
Mom to Mason Scott
Born Sleeping May 5, 2016
ASK ME ABOUT MY SON!
I want to talk about him! Honestly! I want to tell the world how he was so active that I was sure he was practicing dribbling a soccer ball. I want to talk about the times when my husband put his face close to my stomach and talked to our son and got punched in the face. I can imagine him, being a volleyball player, thinking “good spike, son!”. Those are the stories I enjoy sharing but I know that isn’t the story everyone is wondering about.
Mom to Meredith
April 29, 2016
And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. -Psalm 39:7
We buried our baby on her due date. We found out our sweet baby Meredith’s heart stopped beating on April 28th. One week before – she had a strong heartbeat, my belly was growing. Two weeks before, I had a non-stress test and she was healthy and reactive. Three weeks before, she was perfect on our last ultrasound – 47th percentile in growth – what a perfect baby. Six pounds already. In the next three weeks she gained almost two more pounds and was moving like crazy. Yes, she had quiet moments during the day, but I never felt her stop. I never felt her die. I was 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant. There is no fetal heartbeat. Sometimes this just happens. Your baby is beautiful – perfect. Except she is dead. 7 lbs, 12 ounces, 21 inches. Much bigger than her big brother Cameron when he was born. I prayed throughout my pregnancy that my girl would have a head of dark hair, like me. And she did. Maybe I should’ve prayed more for her health…how dare I take that for granted. There was not a time during my pregnancy that I doubted she would be born healthy and alive. How dare I be so bold. I already had one healthy pregnancy and one perfect child – why would this be any different? [Read more…]
Mom to Jensen Grey
April 5, 2016
One word can change two people’s lives forever. What better way for a mother-to-be to spend her birthday than knowing in nine short months she would have her bundle of joy. As soon as this baby’s parents found out, they were overjoyed of course and quickly agreed to a baby boy’s name: Jensen Grey. The baby’s mom knew the baby was a boy before the doctor even told them. They dreamed of holding him, kissing him, and watching him grow. Their dreams for their perfect family had already began to unfold. [Read more…]
Mom to Alivia Jean
August 14, 2013 – April 5, 2014
It was a Thursday morning. I could tell Alivia was still not feeling well from the night before. She would eat and throw up immediately afterwards which was unusual for her as she didn’t even burp up much. I decided I would stay home that day and take care of her while my husband Ryan dropped off our five year old son Landon at daycare and went to work.Throughout the day, Alivia continued to eat but was unable to keep anything down. She wasn’t running a fever. There were no signs of discomfort. It only seemed as if she had a touch of a stomach bug. The next morning she was still unable to keep anything down. My husband took a turn staying home with her and decided it was best to bring her in to the pediatrician. They checked her out and determined she had a stomach virus and recommended giving her Pedialyte so she would not become dehydrated. [Read more…]
Mom to Nicholas
January 6, 2016 – March 17, 2016
I am 25 years old. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 6 years. We have had our usual ups and downs like every other couple, but we have finally straightened everything out and we’re talking about marriage and kids soon enough. I found out I was pregnant and we had both decided that we weren’t ready yet as we share an apartment with roommates and we’re both in school and working part time jobs.
When it finally came time for our son to be born, I had to have an emergency C-section as he was not keeping time with my contractions and his heartbeat would stop for a few seconds. They rushed me in and I remember I heard him cry even through my drug-induced haze. I started crying. I was so happy he was ok. When I was out of recovery, I was allowed to see him. I was in awe over this small creature we had created. I wanted to spend every minute I could with him until we had to let him go. But in the end, we couldn’t give him up. I was so happy! I was a mom! We named him Nicholas Michael. [Read more…]
Mom to Ember Dalca
October 12, 2015
Rocky Top, Tennessee
My story begins in another state, actually. My ex-fiance and I lived in Land O Lakes, Florida, for the past almost 3 years. He and I had our ups and our downs just like every couple, but it came time for us to move. It was near August when we moved. The place we were living then was unfit for any human being, let alone two or three. At the time, he and I were very much in love, and just trying to make ends meet and make our lives as people better. We both moved to Tennessee, hoping for both of us to find jobs quickly, find a place to live, and get on with our lives and be better people and truly be part of the ‘adult’ world that we felt we had not yet joined, despite being 22 and 24 respectively.
At the time, I had absolutely no idea I was pregnant at all. I didn’t know that in August, I was already two months along. I didn’t have any real ‘classic’ signs or symptoms of being pregnant, I even got what I thought was my period each month. But as it turns out, I was not aware that our baby was still there. I was nauseous sometimes, and sometimes my back hurt, and every now and then I felt something strange in my stomach, but I kept ignoring it, thinking it was just all in my imagination. But, it wasn’t. And from here on out, I would like to dedicate the rest of this story as if I were talking to our unborn daughter. [Read more…]
Mom to Chad Michael
February 13, 2016 – February 14, 2016
Mom to Lena Beth
January 10, 2016
My husband and I were so happy to welcome our first son in June 2012. He has brought much joy and laughter to our lives. When it came time for trying for another baby, we considered a three year age difference, but we were in the process of moving and it didn’t feel right. A year later the timing was right and I got pregnant right away in July 2015. Three days after taking a positive pregnancy test, I started bleeding. It was considered a chemical pregnancy since I was 4.5 weeks along, so I never needed a D&C and only had to get blood work to confirm I was actually pregnant and then not pregnant anymore. I remember feeling angry about having blood work taken three times over the course of two weeks. I knew for a fact I was not pregnant anymore but my doctor insisted on coming in for the third time. I wanted it to be over and to just move on. [Read more…]
Mom to Austen Elizabeth
November 11, 2015
My pregnancy was not perfect by any means – but, I knew the whole time, it would be worth it in the end. Every time I complained about being tired, uncomfortable or how I didn’t have anything that fit, somebody was always there to remind me how it would all be worth it in the end.
My husband and I had been married for about a year and a half when we decided we would stop not trying to get pregnant. We had been through the rough first year of marriage, came through closer and happier and we decided that we’d let the universe take over and see what happened. My very first cycle, BAM, pregnant. And before I could even wrap my head around that, I started to bleed. I’m not sure you can even call that being pregnant, because the stick was barely dry before I began to miscarry.
We didn’t let that get us down, and the very next cycle, again, I peed on a stick and it was positive. I was in shock, to say the least. I had read so many stories about how it sometimes takes couples months of trying to conceive before it happens and with what had happened only the previous month, I was a little apprehensive, but thrilled at the same time.
Mom to Michael Jeremiah
February 13, 2016
Dear Michael Jeremiah,
On October 30, 2015, Daddy and I found out we were 5 weeks pregnant with you. We were so surprised and excited! Your due date was July 3, 2016. We had family photos taken in November so we could make a special Christmas card announcing you! On December 14, 2015 we went to your 11 week ultrasound and got to see you for the first time. We loved listening to your strong heartbeat. Afterwards, we told our families about you and everyone was excited. We gave your grandparents Christmas ornaments announcing you and we let your brothers each hold an ultrasound picture. I will never forget your oldest brother’s love for you. When we told him we were pregnant, he jumped up and down and pumped his arms in the air saying “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Then he said “I hope it’s a GIRL!” I later told him I was pretty sure you would be a boy but he never believed me. Your oldest brother hugged and kissed my belly EVERY NIGHT before bed. He was so excited about you!
On January 5th, 2016 I went to your 14 week check up. The younger two of your older brothers were with me and we got to hear your heartbeat again. It was your second oldest brother’s 4th birthday so I thought that was a special treat for him. He liked to say “the baby is behind your pocket” because I often wore sweatshirts and had a big pocket over the lower part of my belly. I was craving lots of carbohydrates with you (some favorites were tortilla chips and potato skins). On January 16, 2015 I felt the tiny flutter of first movement. Daddy and I were on the way to Logan’s for dinner and I said to Daddy, “I feel the baby moving! I thought I felt the baby earlier today but wasn’t sure until now.” I will cherish the time I had with you growing inside me. As my belly grew and grew, I kept imagining who you would be. We had no idea we would have to say goodbye so soon.
On February 12, 2016 we went to your 19 week ultrasound, excited to find out what gender you were. But instead we found out you went to Heaven. We arrived at the hospital around 11:30 a.m. on February 13, 2016 to be induced. It was a cold day but it was beautiful and sunny with blue skies. Labor started around 3:30 p.m. and the nurses there were so kind to me. I asked for a half dose of IV pain medication around 5 p.m. and then another half dose at 6:30 p.m. The contractions were getting stronger and more painful but the IV medication took the edge off of them. I ate some yummy cherry popsicles and one of your aunts stopped by to bring Zaxby’s for dinner. I didn’t eat but did enjoy the Coke that your aunt gave me! After she left, I dozed off a little. Around 8:00 p.m. I was pretty sure you were coming and asked the nurses to check me. They insisted I still had a while but I knew from the pain that I didn’t! Then at 8:20 p.m., you were born.
Mom to Ivan Joaquin
March 2, 2014 – March 10, 2014
Port Lavaca, Texas
It was a Tuesday morning. I felt sick and I felt exhausted. I couldn’t sleep the night before because I had a weird feeling in my stomach. While I was at work, I asked my mom if she could get me some medicine from the store. I explained my symptoms to her and chalked it off as just getting a cold or the flu. Her first question was, “Well have you started your period?” So….. I thought back, and No!
Actually I was 5 days late! But, I had been known to have irregular periods so I didn’t think too much about it. Plus I take the pill, so there is no way that could be an option. So when I got home on my lunch break, there was a bag from the drugstore with Dayquil, cough drops and a pregnancy test. I thought, “Yeah right, there is no way, but she bought it so I will take it.” [Read more…]
Mother to Quail (July 2011),
Bluebird (March 2012),
Owlet (November 2012)
San Luis Obispo, CA
It was a bright spring morning. The sky was blue, the air was warm. My partner and I sat on our front porch. I read our horoscopes. That’s when it happened. He looked at me and said, “I want to have a baby with you.” And so our journey began… [Read more…]
Mom to Faith Elizabeth
December 27, 2010
Upstate, New York
Five years ago I became pregnant with my second child. My husband and I were beyond excited to grow our family and to see our 3 year old daughter, Julianna become a big sister.
My pregnancy progressed as normal and I will never forget this date. August 31, 2010 was the big day! The day we were scheduled for our 20 week ultrasound and we would find out if our baby was a girl or a boy! This day forever changed the lives of myself, and my husband and daughter.
That day we learned that our unborn baby had a rare and fatal condition called anencephaly. This happens early in the pregnancy and it’s a condition that causes the bones of the baby’s skull to never fully close, which exposes the brain. Our baby had a severe case and was missing skull from the eyebrows upwards. [Read more…]
Mom to Rebecca Anne
September 4, 2015 – September 5, 2015
My first pregnancy was textbook, perfect. No morning sickness, no surprises. I actually delivered a beautiful, healthy daughter on my due date.
When I got pregnant again, I expected more of the same. I was so excited I began telling everyone as soon as I found out. A few weeks later, I had a persistent lower backache one day at work. I didn’t think much of it, but when I got home, I discovered that I was spotting. I panicked and called my doctors office, but it was after hours so I wasn’t able to speak to anyone til the next day. I spent that night completely terrified, researching miscarriage online. No one I knew had had a miscarriage, or so I thought. I went to the doctor the next day, still hoping everything was ok. They performed an ultrasound and my worst fears were confirmed. [Read more…]
Mom to Baby Cavagnaro
February 23, 2016
I’m writing this very soon after as a way to help me cope. On Monday, January 18th, I left work early. I was too tired to remain at my desk anymore and I could not understand it. I had slept all weekend – about 14 hours per day – and had over 9 hours of sleep Sunday night to Monday morning (after a long nap Sunday afternoon) so I knew something was wrong for me to be this exhausted. My work has their own clinic onsite so on Tuesday when I still felt exhausted, after another full night’s sleep and a four hour nap the day before, I scheduled an appointment.
I emailed my mother that I was afraid I was anemic. I had been having a period, albeit a light one, for over two weeks and I thought this blood loss must be causing me to have at least situational anemia. I went to my appointment on January 21st and the doctor explained it could be anemia or it could be a virus, but since I was a little sore on the right side of my stomach and bleeding we also needed to rule out a tubal pregnancy. I peed in the cup with the full confidence of a woman who had been on birth control the majority of her adult life, and said birth control had worked.