Mom to Victoria
December 6, 2016
Mom to Victoria
December 6, 2016
Mom to Finn Liam
January 24, 2016
Two years after we initially started trying, we wondered if we would ever be able to have a second child. In June 2015, we went on vacation to the Smoky mountains and visited Dollywood. After riding a triple inversion roller coaster, I felt very off, which was unusual for me because I usually handle roller coasters very well. The next day I took a test and was thrilled to see two lines — I was finally pregnant with our second child! My pregnancy progressed smoothly and uneventfully, and our 18-week sonogram revealed a healthy baby who danced his little legs around and showed off for us. We learned our baby was a boy. Over the next few months, we painted his room and re-assembled the crib. As his due date of February 27th drew closer, I unpacked the baby gear and folded the newborn clothes neatly in his closet, including a couple of “Little Brother” sleepers I had picked out just for him. I packed a hospital bag with a newborn-sized coming home outfit. I unpacked and washed the infant car seat and ordered diapers online. We were so ready and excited to meet our baby!
On the morning of January 23rd, I didn’t wake up until it was almost time to leave for my hair appointment. I was exhausted as I had been fighting a cold and sinus infection all week. It didn’t seem like my baby had been very active that morning, but then again I hadn’t been awake very long and thought I might have just missed his activity. He was usually most active at night around bedtime. I had an anterior placenta, so it was often difficult to notice his movements unless I was paying attention. I didn’t feel him as distinctly as I had with my first child, Jaxton.
After my hair appointment, I still wasn’t feeling much, so I went home determined to monitor his movements. At home I glided the home doppler over my belly. Immediately, the sound of his strong heartbeat met my ears and I relaxed a bit. Maybe he was just having a slow day or in a different position than usual. Lying on my side in bed, I attempted to count his movements. I tried shaking my belly to get a reaction. I was getting barely anything. I decided to go eat and drink some sugary juice to see if that would perk him up. As I ate, I noticed his feet were poking out in their usual spot at the top of my belly. We often played a game in which he would poke out his feet and I would push back in on them and he would react by pushing back or moving them. On that night, his feet seemed to be pressing out with more force and they remained that way despite me pushing on them.
At that point, I was getting really worried. I checked the doppler again and his heart still sounded strong. I sat in a chair with my 3 year old son Jaxton on my lap while he was watching YouTube videos. In retrospect he should have been in bed, but I was too worried about the situation at hand to go through our bedtime routine. Usually when Jaxton would sit on my lap and lean against my belly, the baby would squirm or kick in response. My husband Phillip and I always joked it was sibling rivalry starting early. That night, there were no kicks or squirms. I thought I felt a shifting inside of me. I grabbed my doppler, hurriedly rubbed coconut oil on my belly to help it glide, and listened again. Nothing but the sounds of my own body met my ears. At that moment, I truly understood the meaning of deafening silence. My heart raced as I searched and searched, hoping and praying that he was just hiding or that my doppler wasn’t working correctly. I frantically told Phillip we needed to go to the hospital right away. We grabbed our coats, bundled up our son, and rushed out the door. I didn’t say a word the whole way there; I just prayed to God to please let my baby be ok.
Mom to Baby
December 19, 2016
This was my first pregnancy. My husband and I were so happy. We had been trying. I had started spotting two weeks before my first appointment. So like any woman would do, I went to the doctor. They checked the baby and did blood work with other kinds of labs. They said the baby was fine and I had a uti. So I went to my first appointment where they did check to make sure the baby was fine and I had to go for other labs and stuff like that.The hardest thing to hear is that your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat not just once, but multiple times. The doctor gave me no options and was really pushing for a D&C. I decided I was going to go the natural way. On January 6th at about 11:00 p.m. that night, I miscarried my precious little baby. I still have to go back to the doctor to make sure I passed everything. I have been in a lot of pain, physical and emotional. My husband has been a great support. I would never want anyone to go through this.
Mom to My Angel Baby
October 26, 2015
The day that changed my life FOREVER.
Waking up I knew something was wrong. I felt weird. I felt off, and I was as sick as a dog hating that I had to get ready for a doctor’s appointment that day.
Mom to Alexandra Renee
September 10, 2016
Fort Walton Beach, Florida
I found out I was pregnant on Mother’s Day of all days. To someone who did not think they could get pregnant without medical intervention, this was very significant. My husband and I had been trying/not preventing for almost two years. When those two pink lines appeared, I was overwhelmed but also overjoyed.
I had a fairly difficult first trimester with morning sickness, but nothing could bring me down. This would be our first baby and we were so happy. We spent the entire summer in bliss. We researched strollers, car seats, brainstormed baby names, and imagined how wonderful our life would be once he/she arrived. All of our appointments went well. Our ultrasounds were normal and we soon found out we were expecting a little girl.
Mom to Talaofa and Two Siblings
October 3, 2016, April 2016, November 2014
November 2014 I just reached 19 weeks. That very same day I had contractions and went to the ER. When I got there my water broke and I began bleeding a lot. The doctor told me my baby could no longer survive without the water bag to protect it and that I had to have surgery to terminate the pregnancy due to the fact that I had a vertical cut on my uterus with my previous preemie baby ( my miracle child), and vaginal delivery would rupture my uterus. I never got to find out the gender nor did I get to name that baby.
April 2016 4 months into 3rd pregnancy, I had a miscarriage.
October 2, 2016 [I was pregnant for the fourth time]. At 19 weeks and 4 days, contractions started and I went to the hospital immediately. The plan was to do a rescue cerclage if my contractions didn’t continue the rest of the night. The next day my hopes were shot and my contractions kept coming and I was 1 cm dilated. At 11:35 a.m. I gave birth to my son. It was too late to do a surgery, so we took our chances with a vaginal delivery and it all went well except for the fact that I lost my son at 12:35 p.m. When he was born the doctors asked me if I wanted to hold him or if I wanted them to take him away. I wanted to hold him, love him, and pray for him while we still had the time to spend with him.
My husband couldn’t handle to cut his umbilical cord, and didn’t want to hold him but I made him hold our angel baby. I knew he would regret not being able to hold him while he was still alive, and I’m glad I made him hold our baby. He died in his daddy/s arms, and I took him back to hold him. I placed him on my chest and kept singing a song I’d always make him listen to while he was in my tummy, hoping and praying for some sort of miracle. Tons of questions [are] going on in my head. Why me? Is it me? What could I have done differently? Where is God when we need him the most? Why is he ignoring me and my prayers? October 14th we buried our angel baby in a cemetery called Baby Land. My mother-in-law had our bishop come over to give me a comfort blessing and all it did was help me sleep better at night. It wasn’t until October 28th that I finally let go of all the emotions I was holding in, stress and frustration triggered it all.
I went church Sunday and the talk helped me a lot. They talked about how we never understand why God works the way He does, but we have to trust that there is a blessing that will come out of it. He puts us through hardships to prepare us for whatever He has planned for us in the near future. He doesn’t let us go through heartbreaks without giving us a blessing out of it. I’m still waiting for redemption, but for now, I’m okay. For now, I’m focusing on me, letting my body heal physically emotionally, and mentally. Our babies were just too beautiful for Earth, and although they did not get to experience this painful yet magical place we call Earth, I like to believe they are in a much better, peaceful place. My favorite quote, “The road isn’t paved with perfection, don’t get lost in the journey, let the struggle help you discover who you really are.” May our angels babies rest in love. Never forgotten. [Read more…]
Mom to Ethan
September 23, 2009 – September 25, 2009
I became a parent in the fall of 2009. The day held all of the joy and celebration I had anticipated, but equally present were the unwelcome shadows of sorrow and dread. My son was born with a Neural Tube Defect (NTD) called an encephalocele that was diagnosed in utero. My husband, Derek, and I were offered the chance to terminate the pregnancy at the time, but ending our child’s life was a choice we were unwilling to make. Instead, we knew that big things were in store for our tiny new arrival.
The months between Ethan’s diagnosis and birth were spent planning and praying. We met with a perinatal hospice counselor who helped us develop a birth plan, and we met with our minister, who helped us find hope in the darkness that had settled over our lives. To find strength and comfort, I read through all 150 Psalms repeatedly, relating to their bipolar emotions, from anguish to jubilation, in a way I never had before. I was heartbroken and grief-stricken, but grateful for the new life growing within me, and confident that God would make something beautiful out of our loss.
When September 23 arrived, and Ethan finally made his appearance, I was overwhelmed with the love and wonder that is universal to motherhood. I admired his tiny fingers and toes, and I kissed his velvety pink cheeks. My husband, too, was over the moon with this miniature human who filled our hearts so completely. We welcomed many, many visitors, and proudly introduced Ethan to grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. He lived for two and a half days, and during that time he was surrounded by nothing by love and joy. He impacted many lives during his brief existence, from the hospital staff, to strangers who heard about our story and prayed on our behalf.
Our rainbow baby, Tyler, was born almost exactly two years after Ethan. We now celebrate both birthdays the same week every year. We all miss Ethan greatly, and we realize that there is a hole in our family that only he could fill. We are thankful, though, that he is part of our family. Our time with him was a gift unlike anything else on earth, and he changed our lives for the better.
Mom to Baby Girl Smith
October 23, 2015
October 15th is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Day.
Last October 15th, I was blissfully, naively pregnant — as one should be — taking belly photos with my husband and dreaming about finally being a family of three. After struggling with infertility for over 2 years, we were pregnant! We had seen the baby! And the heartbeat! We were over the moon.
Little did I know, by that time, our sweet baby had already slipped away. She was gone and I was none the wiser. Isn’t a mother supposed to know when her child is no longer alive? I did not. It wasn’t until a routine ultrasound on October 23rd, that my doctor would say the words that changed everything: I’m afraid I don’t have good news. And for what seemed like an eternity — I stared at the motionless screen, along with my doctor and the ultrasound technician — desperately hoping for some sign of life.
Mom to Iris Jayne
East Yorkshire, England
June 1, 2016
On June the 1st my only daughter, my second child was stillborn. Before, this my life was easy; nothing bad happened to me. I’d heard about stillbirth, but it wouldn’t happen to me. I was naive and pregnancy was innocent. It happened to the girl down the street, a friend of a friend, someone you knew of but never spoke to. Then on the 31st of May 7, hours after my ‘perfect’ 40 week appointment, I was in a hospital room being told my baby girl had died. I was now that girl. I was a part of the club no one wants to be a part of, the mother of a child that didn’t make it, a child that died. I remember thinking over and over, “this doesn’t happen to me, it’s a nightmare. I’ll wake up.” It wasn’t, my life had changed in 7 hours. I’d gone from the top of the world to the bottom of the ocean. I was drowning.
Nothing feels real when you are told your baby is dead. There’s no heart beat, nothing. A still frame on the ultrasound. This doesn’t happen to me, they must be wrong, I kept holding that. I was given a pill and sent home, they told me to go back when labour had started. I didn’t cry, it didn’t sink in. I was home with my baby in my tummy. If she was gone, why would they leave me like this. It wasn’t until the contractions started that I knew it was happening, the tears started. I would have to give birth to a baby I’d never take home and never see again. This was all we were going to have, And it was the least I could do for her.
I didn’t know whether I wanted to see and hold her straight away, not because I didn’t want her, but because I was scared. I didn’t know what to expect. But it all changed when she was about to be born.
Before I made my last push, the last moment of carrying her inside me, I begged them to give her straight to me, the mother’s instinct took over and I needed her. She was mine, my baby, my daughter and I loved her no matter what. Iris Jayne was born sleeping at 18:01 pm weighing 8lb 14 1/2 oz on the 1/6/2016, her due date. She was beautiful and perfect. She looked just like her big brother and had his head full of hair except hers was a little lighter. Nothing was wrong with her. A true knot in the cord was the cause of death. We spent that night and the whole next day with her, just me, my partner and Iris. People came to see her and to say goodbye, then we had to do the same.
No midnight feeds, no baby smell, no crying or teething, no first day of school, no university, no wedding. No living daughter. My family has a hole that will never by filled. Life isn’t easy, it’s hard. I’m not the same, I’ll never be the same. Its not a nightmare, it’s real and it happened.
You can email Catherine at email@example.com.
Mom to Mason
Liverpool, United Kingdom
March 16, 2015
I can’t even begin to describe the feeling I had when seeing my “positive” pregnancy test.
I was living with my parents at the time so immediately called for my Mum who was completely over the moon. I then took a picture of the test and sent it to my boyfriend who was in work at the time. He came to me as soon as he could. We were both incredibly excited and decided to go to the doctor so the pregnancy could be officially confirmed.
We arranged an appointment for that day. After taking another test at the GP surgery we were told that the results were negative and it just wasn’t our time. We were gutted, the excitement taken away from us so quickly. It’s surreal how a faulty pregnancy test can make you feel, missing something that you never actually had. Fortunately for us my doctor had made a mistake and around twenty positive tests later and an ultrasound, there he was, a little blur on a scan picture, my little blur, my Mason.
Mom to Adrienne Rose
November 10, 2013 – November 11, 2013
If I had to describe child loss using a word, my word would be painful.
And not like I broke my arm and it was painful or my pet passed away and it was painful; this pain is actually quite indescribable. You know when people describe their sadness and say they are “heartbroken,” well let me tell you, the moment I lost my sweet Adrienne, I literally felt my heart break. I felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest. I felt like I couldn’t breath and I remember asking myself, how am I supposed to live the rest of my life without my child? I questioned my faith, I remember crying to my husband and telling him how sorry I was, and how unfair it was because I wanted her so bad. I loved her. She had been apart of me, of us for 26 weeks and the only time I ever got to hold her in my arms, was to say goodbye. [Read more…]
Mom to James Bentley
December 24, 2014 – December 25, 2014
My story starts when I was 32 weeks pregnant. It was December 24th 2014 and the morning started like any other. I woke up, got my husband up and sent him to work and [then I] laid down across the bed to watch a movie. Out of nowhere, a big gush of water came out. I thought it was just pee; it was my first pregnancy and I was only 18 and I had no idea what was going on. I just ignored it and kept going about my day.
Well at about 8 in the morning I started getting sharp pains in my lower back. I thought it was Braxton Hicks. I mean, I’m only 32 weeks. How can I be in Labour? So I tried to walk it out. I tried to sleep it off. Well, at about 5:30 p.m. the pain got HORRIBLE so my husband rushed me to the hospital where I was admitted, sat in a bed and left in a room for an hour and a half. The nurse came in, said I must have pulled a muscle and told me to go home. I was in so much pain by that point, I was shaking and crying.
I left the hospital at 7:32 p.m. I was on the way home when I delivered my son at 8 p.m. in the front seat of my husband’s truck. James Bentley entered this world at 3 pounds 6 ounces 17 inches long and so gorgeous. I called 911 and returned to the hospital with my son where they told me he was fine for 6 hours and wouldn’t let me see him.
At 3 a.m. they came in the room and said he most likely wouldn’t make it through the night and had to be ambulanced to another hospital. Upon arrival they told me he had a hole in his throat the size of a breathing tube and that unless he made it 72 hours, his chances of survival were low. I got to really meet him at this hospital. I spent some time with him once they got him stable and I tried to lay down after knowing he was okay. At 8 am on December 25, 2014, the doctors rushed into my room and told me he was gone. Once they quit manually pumping his oxygen, he was done. Twelve short hours wasn’t long enough. The emotions I feel are unreal. It feels like a dream honestly.
Mom to Gabriella Cadena
July 1, 2016
Las Cruces, New Mexico
You never truly know how precious life is until a horrible tragedy happen before your eyes.
June 30, 2016. Thursday afternoon was a normal day. I ran errands with my son and did everything I normally do. Thursday morning while still in bed, I felt my baby girl move around and kick me. That afternoon was a normal routine prenatal checkup. I was 22 weeks along. I was so excited but also fearful to go in and hear the heartbeat because no parent wants anything to go wrong. I went in for my appointment with the intentions of leaving with a healthy baby girl, and a strong heartbeat. This moment changed my life completely. I was so heartbroken. I was in shock. I was numb.
My OB and I started off with the simple routine questions. The measurements of Gabriella and the part I dread but yet can’t wait for…hearing her heartbeat. My OB couldn’t find her heartbeat. At any other appointment it was so easy and quick to find her heart. But this time was different. It took longer than expected and I knew something was wrong. As I looked at her face I could tell something was wrong and she looked worried. She then rolled in the ultrasound monitor to see if she could get the heartbeat on the machine. She couldn’t. She told me she was going to get the head OB to help her. At that point I was so confused and freaked out. I was shaking and so scared. I didn’t know what to think. I began crying and praying. Praying it was just a glitch and she was just being stubborn. The doctor came in and began another ultrasound. It took him 10 minutes (which felt like a lifetime) because he wanted to make sure what they were saying and seeing was accurate. He started explaining to me what he found on the screen. He stated she had a lot of fluid and swelling around her head. He confirmed she had passed. By far the WORST feeling I have ever felt.
My husband had stayed home with our son while I went to my appointment because again, who would think anything like this would happen? I immediately called my husband hysterically crying telling him everything that happened. My doctor went over some options with me. He told me to go home and discuss with my husband what we wanted to do. We could either wait and let my body go into labor itself or be admitted that day and induced. I couldn’t hold off any longer, I had to be admitted and induced. I went straight home after my appointment and as soon as I walked through the door, my husband was there, I broke down. We were so devastated. We were told to go back to the hospital in 1 hour. We went in and as I was pushed in a wheelchair up to labor and delivery, I was so frustrated and angry that this was actually happening. All I could think about was why was this happening to us? What did we do to deserve this? Where did I go wrong with taking care of myself? Everything was running through my head. As they wheeled me upstairs, they pushed me to my room, passing all the beautiful newborn baby pictures on the walls, made me feel even worse thinking I’ll never be able to hold our baby girl that way.
Mom to Kara Chase
March 26, 2016
Glen Burnie, Maryland
March 26, 2016 was supposed to be a normal day. My four year old daughter, Kayleigh, had her first t-ball practice and my husband and I were excited to watch her. The very next day was Easter and I would officially be 28 weeks pregnant. I was happy that I would finally be in my third trimester with our second daughter, Kara. We were looking forward to welcoming her into our family in June. Kayleigh was excited to have a little sister. We were so happy. Little did we know that our entire world would come crashing down on us and it would turn into the worst day of our lives.
Mom to Aiden Nevin
July 24, 2015
I am the mother of an angel, an angel named Aiden. Here is my story.
Aiden was my second pregnancy. My husband and I were already parents to our precious 4-year-old boy. While surprised by Aiden’s upcoming arrival, we weren’t any less excited. Our family was growing just as we always thought it would. I can still remember after all of those initial doctor appointments, I was still in such disbelief. My pregnancy progressed in textbook fashion, just as it did during my first, so what did we have to worry about? Our 4-year-old was beginning to blossom into a wonderful brother-to-be and my husband and I were watching days and weeks pass us by until Aiden would make his entrance into this world.
At 38 weeks pregnant, I started back to work after a small summer break when one day I noticed that Aiden wasn’t being his fiery self. His name literally means “little fire” or “fiery one.” Thoughts crossed my mind, but faded quickly. I went on throughout that evening with a small tinge of worry, but just tried my best to brush it off. When I awoke the next morning to get ready for work, I went on with my normal routine, but had still noticed that Aiden wasn’t moving about. I immediately called my doctor’s office and they told me to head up to Labor and Delivery just to get checked out. I awoke my husband and after getting our son off to family, we headed to the hospital. While that car ride was entirely silent, I still really had no sense of worry. When I arrived to Labor and Delivery, a nurse immediately set me up in a room and hooked me up to a monitor. She started searching for the “whoosh whoosh whoosh” sound that all moms know all too well and I would say “That’s him, right?” She would say “I think I’m just getting you.” Panic had settled in by now. I silently started praying and kept repeating the word “No” to myself. She then proceeded to say that she would have to go and get an ultrasound machine just to be sure. Any loss mom knows this procedure all too well. Another nurse came in and completed the ultrasound. She did say that of course they wouldn’t be able to tell us anything until a doctor was able to read the ultrasound, but I knew just from that ultrasound that he was gone; our Aiden was gone. No movement at all on that monitor; he was still. A short time later, a young doctor that I had never met before came in wearing a long white lab coat and had confirmed what I already knew. There was no heartbeat, Aiden was gone.
At this point, they discussed all my options with me and my family. Options that would have never crossed my mind before and they proceeded to induce me into labor. We started alerting family and close friends with phone calls and messages. You could hear the tears in their voices and in their words. Family started pouring in throughout the rest of that afternoon and evening. I was just so numb; no feelings and hardly any words. My body was shivering; shivering in July. I now know that my body was in shock. I had chosen to stop the induction process for the night and we would proceed with everything the next morning at a time of my choosing. While tossing and turning all night, I awoke semi-refreshed and then doom and dread immediately lingered over me. I didn’t want this process to last all day or even days. I prayed to God and Aiden too that they would see me through this process and start me on a path of grieving and healing. After only a few hours of active labor and a few pushes, my little angel had arrived. He was so angelic, so perfect. What could have happened? My wonderful primary care doctor took the time to come and talk with my family the day before and had explained that things can and do happen at this stage of pregnancy. Soon after he was born, one of the doctors had explained that he did have a significant blood clot in his umbilical cord. We did elect to have an autopsy completed prior to his funeral arrangements. After he was born, I got to hold him and so did my husband. I took my time kissing him as much as I could. Family came pouring in soon after and said their “Hello’s” and “Goodbyes” all at once. We were told that he could stay in our room for as long as we would like, but soon afterwards, after being placed in the warmer for pictures, his looks were changing so much already that I didn’t want to remember him like that. So, I kissed him one last time and said my final goodbye.
In the coming days and weeks, we were beyond blessed with the support of family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, strangers, etc. as we laid Aiden to rest. After a few months awaiting his autopsy results and being referred to a high-risk obstetrician, it has been discovered that I have a blood clotting condition known as Antiphospholipid Coagulation Syndrome, APS for short which lead to Aiden’s demise.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Aiden and the little person he would be becoming. I feel as though I am a shattered piece of pottery; carefully glued back together, but still missing a few shards. Time and a great support system have healed some wounds, but the entire universe could never heal them all. He was, is, and always will be my angel.
Mommy forever misses you Aiden Nevin. Until we meet again and spend all eternity in heaven together; sending you many X’s and O’s, X’s and O’s.
Mom to Angel Baby & Connelly Harding
2013 and February 15, 2016
Dear Connelly Harding,
My sweet, sweet boy. This is your story. Some of the details are left out; some are tucked away in my private journal, some we do not know yet. Even though you never took a breathe in this world, your impact continues to live on. I receive messages a few times a week of people your name has reached. Your life may have ended, but your story will continue on. [Read more…]
Mom to Richard Allen
May 16, 2016 – May 17, 2016
Mom to Ollie
July 25, 2015
Grantham, New Hampshire
We are a baby loss family. Our son was born, he was beautiful, and we left the hospital alone and with the most empty feeling imaginable. Our world was turned upside down, and we were left to continue moving forward, and define our new normal. Our family will forever be incomplete. Ollie’s physical presence will always be missing, but he will always remain our very much loved, oldest child. We’ll miss him on holidays, during family events, in family pictures, on Mother’s Day, on Father’s Day, and especially on July 25. We’ll always miss him as our baby, and we’ll also miss him as the age that he would have been. We’ll wonder what his personality would have been like, what his interests would have been, and what he would have looked like as he grew up. [Read more…]